When celebrated lyricist Lin Manuel Miranda wrote the song “It’s Quiet Uptown” for Hamilton: An American Musical about the loss of a child, he acknowledged in the lyrics that sometimes words simply fail.
“There are moments that the words don’t reach. There’s a grief too powerful to name.”
The unimaginable happened to one of our own from the Broadway community this past Monday. Ruthie Ann Miles is a beloved Broadway actress, known for her work in The King & I (for which she won a Tony Award playing Lady Thiang), Sunday In the Park With George, Here Lies Love, and many others.
As she crossed the street in Brooklyn with her dear friend Lauren Lew and their children, they were senselessly mowed down by a vehicle that accelerated from a stopped position at a red light. Ruthie Ann, also 7 months pregnant, was seriously injured and her 4-year-daughter, Abigail was killed, as was Lauren’s one-year-old son, Joshua.
(Photo Credit: Getty Images for Tony Awards Pro/Theo Wargo)
How do we make sense of this? Such a meaningless tragedy, preventable, unimaginable. Of course, first there is shock, thinking that this can’t be true or that it’s a mistake. But then the hard reality sinks in and we are unsure what to do next.
As a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma, I have escorted countless patients along the road of loss and tragedy. So, my dear Broadway community, I would like to offer you a map to that path. I hope it is helpful in guiding you through your pain for these two families.
Ground Yourself
Such tragic loss can unmoor our sense of order. It’s therapeutic to engage in activities that are centering to help us re-establish our equilibrium. Do what works for you, whether that is running, drawing, painting, gardening, taking a walk, or petting your dog, to re-connect. If you don’t have a go-to, I recommend trying mindfulness. Click on the link for some great beginner exercises: https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/mindfulness-exercises-techniques-activities/
Process
When tragedy strikes, our minds go into over-drive in an attempt to make sense of it all. You can see it in action, the person who was just in a car accident, repeating what happened over and over. Or the veteran having waking nightmares of combat. Our brains are trying to process something that is difficult to comprehend. Perhaps you have found yourself needing to talk to others in the community about what happened, in your own way trying to understand. Keep talking. Keep processing.
Allow Your Sadness
It is so easy to be angry. While we don’t yet know all of the details relating to the driver, it is possible that she was at fault (it was reported that she has a poor driving record over the past 2 years). As humans, we are generally more comfortable with anger than we are with sadness. Anger is meant to be a call to action. If you find you are feeling anger, towards the driver or anyone else related, ask yourself if there is something productive you can do with that anger. If you find yourself obsessing in the anger, try to move over to the sadness and allow yourself to sit with it. Simmering anger is resentment and resentment only harms the resenter.
Take Action
You will probably then find yourself wanting to do something to help. Many of us donated to the funds for these two mothers and their families. In less than a day, hundreds of thousands of dollars have been raised for both families. It helps us to feel that we are part of the solution. You can also get involved with Transportation Alternatives, which advocates for safer streets for pedestrians in New York City (https://www.transalt.org/). Keep helping in any way you can. If you cannot help directly with this situation, offer your help somewhere else. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Provide a random act of kindness. It will warm your heart from its aching and will allow you to be productive in your sadness.
Make Meaning
As humans, we are meaning-making creatures. We grapple to understand tragic events. While I cannot subscribe to the trope that, “Everything happens for a reason”, it is possible to make reason out of everything that happens. That can mean working on laws that would prevent a future tragedy. Or taking a lesson to love harder because life is short. Or driving with more caution to avoid being part of such an accident. Or searching within your personal religious beliefs for organizing principles. This part may take a lifetime, but keep striving. It helps us to bring order to the chaos.
These road signs hold no promises but they can help you move through processing the grief that is too powerful to name. As many are today, I am holding my children tighter and sending thoughts and prayers to Ruthie Ann, Lauren and their families.
